miscarriage

i just want to share a little piece of me ... or should i say us ... something from our past ...

it was december 2003 ... we had been married for eleven months and were eleven weeks pregnant with our first child ... hubby was a radiographer at skg in bunbury and this is where we went to have a 'routine' ultrasound ... the scan showed our baby had died a week earlier ...

prior to this experience, i have to be honest and say that i was very naive as to what a couple experiences when they have a miscarriage ...

i found it to be a very personal experience, one very difficult to talk about or share with others ... what surprised me the most was how upsetting it was for both of us ...

after the scan, we went to see our doctor and i was referred to a obstetrician ... we called him the doctor vegemite, because he was wearing a polo shirt with a vegemite logo ... the way doctor vegemite talked about the miscarriage was very cold ... a word that i clearly remember is 'aborted' ... i was booked into hospital for a d&c the next day to remove the 'products of pregnancy' ...

it was a bit of a whirlwind experience, like all these things are happening to you but you're not really there ... i recall quizzing the nurse when i woke after the d&c about whether they had double checked that the baby had died ... it seems rather silly when i write it down, but i was so worried that all the scans had been wrong and our baby hadn't died, and i had just made a big mistake ...

what i have come to realise and believe ... is that every life, no matter how small, is in Gods hands ... and He doesn't make mistakes ... for His purpose, we never got to meet our little baby ... but one day we will ... my body didn't abort our pregnancy and, no matter how often i have wondered otherwise, there is nothing i could have done to have avoided loosing our baby ... God called our baby home ...

He also showed me, before He blessed me with my three bears, what a blessing it was to receive a child ... to teach me to never take this gift for granted ...

i have also learned that i need to give my worries aside and trust in His providence in my life ... because i can't express in words how hard every scan of each one of my subsequent pregnancies has been to face ... how i have never really enjoyed the wonderful experience of being pregnant in part because i am quick to worry that something is wrong ...

and finally i have learned patience ... it was nearly two years later that we welcomed our oldest bear to the world ... at the time God had appointed ... we all like to think we have our lives all planned out ... God laughs at us, He is in control, no matter how we might tell ourselves otherwise ... but this is also a comfort, because we know that God does everything for those who love Him ...

why i choose to share this with you all ... some of you may have been through a miscarriage, and your experience may be completely different than ours ... there are also many other who have not had a miscarriage ... what i hope to share with you, some insider information if you like ... is that it's not 'just a miscarriage', a couple have lost their baby ...  

you don't forget, you never forget ... those tiny feet leave a lasting imprint on a mothers heart